Guilt
by MissyMo2005
Summary: Based around the last episode of season two... Kelly feels a lot of guilt over the boy he missed when he was sweeping the room, which he doesn't deal with well, leading him down a dangerous path as he tries to deal with his guilt.
1. Chapter 1

Hi Guys, I've written this story based on a request I received from SuperSealSteve... I hope you enjoy it, and please let me know what you think!

* * *

There was absolute silence from the whole of the rescue squad on the ride back to the firehouse. Everyone's eyes kept wandering over to their Lieutenant, who was sat in the front of the truck motionless, staring out of the window. It had been a tough call, and they all knew beyond a doubt Kelly had done everything he could. While they knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Kelly had done everything that he could've done, it was obvious it was weighing heavily on his mind.

The short journey back to the firehouse felt like an eternity, the rest of the rescue squad exchanging worried looks as Kelly quickly jumped out and walked quickly in the direction of his office. He didn't want to be around anyone. He knew what they'd say, they'd tell him he'd done everything he could, there was no way he could've know that the kid was there and that it wasn't his fault. He didn't want to hear it. It was his job to know that kid was there, he should've double checked. A kid had died because of him, and nothing anyone could say was going to change that.

He sighed quietly in relief as he reached his office, knowing Shay would be close behind him. He shut the door behind him, locking it and then pulled all the blinds. He just wanted to be left on his own, despite the fact he knew somewhere deep down being left alone with his thoughts probably wasn't the best idea.

As predicted, a couple of minutes later the door handle turned, then when she realised it was locked, Shay started banging on the door and shouting. "Severide! Open the door!" She yelled, banging against the glass loudly. She paused, her hand still raised ready to start banging on the door again, when there wasn't any answer she tried again. "Kelly?" She called, her voice softer this time. "Let me in?" She was worried about her friend, she knew what had happened would hit him hard, he didn't tend to deal with his emotions in a healthy way either.

She stood there for a few more moments, hoping maybe he'd let her in, but he didn't. She turned and walked back into the kitchen. She could feel everyone's eyes on her as she sat back down, picking up the mug of coffee she'd left on the table. "Should we..?" Mills asked, starting to stand up.

Shay shook her head. "Leave him… I think he needs some time…. Maybe he'll talk to Erin." She said and Mills nodded, sitting back down again. Shay herself wasn't convinced about Kelly talking to anyone, but she didn't like to consider the alternatives of what could happen if he kept everything bottled up.

Kelly was relieved when Shay finally stopped banging on his office door and left him in peace. He really wasn't in the mood for some kind of emotional talk with Shay, it just wasn't his style. He'd just have to figure out a way to avoid her, something which would be difficult considering the fact they lived together. His eyes wandered up to the clock hanging on the wall, he was more than relieved to see there was only five minutes to the end of his shift- he didn't think he could face going out on another call.

After quickly shoving his things into his bag he headed straight for the door, keeping his eyes on the floor so he wouldn't have to stop and talk to anyone. Shay caught sight of him rushing out the door and groaned quietly. It was becoming very clear to her that Kelly wasn't dealing with what had happened very well- if he was dealing with it at all, she knew he had a tendency to just pretend it hadn't happened. She was more worried about what it would do to him when it finally caught up with him. Then again, if he wouldn't talk to her, what could she really do? "Gabby!" She yelled as she took her bag out of the locker. "I need you to take me home!" She called, knowing that Kelly wouldn't have waited for her.

She was right, Kelly was long gone by the time her and Gabby had got outside. He'd done it deliberately, driving away as quickly as he could, knowing full well if he ended up at home with Shay she'd try to talk to him about what had happened. Instead, he'd found himself driving in the direction of Erin's apartment, hoping maybe he could hide out there for a little while. It was either that or go to a bar somewhere and drink until he couldn't remember what had happened. If he was honest, the second option was looking more attractive. He was trying to convince himself it was a bad idea, but he was fast running out of reasons not to.

He parked his car outside Erin's apartment and quickly headed inside, hoping that Erin hadn't heard what had happened and wouldn't ask him any questions. He knocked on the door, leaning against the wall while he waited for her to answer. After a couple of minutes the door opened in front of him, revealing Erin stood there in her pyjamas looking a little confused. "Hey Kelly…. Sorry, did we have plans?" She frowned, stepping aside to let him in.

Kelly shook his head. "No, sorry… I should've called first… I can go though if…"

Erin cut him off. "No, no. It's fine… Come in." She smiled, shutting the door behind him. "Are you ok? You look a little…" She trailed off.

Kelly nodded his head, trying to look convincing. "I'm fine. How was your day?" He asked, changing the subject quickly. He definitely should've gone to the bar instead, he'd forgotten how many questions Erin asked.

After a while sat listening to Erin tell him about some serial killer they'd caught that day, Erin turned her attention back to asking Kelly the questions he'd been hoping desperately to avoid. "Are you sure you're ok?" She asked him again, frowning.

Kelly forced a smile. "I'm fine." He said, reaching down to take his phone out of his pocket as it started to ring again. It was Shay, again. She'd called him six times since he'd been at Erin's and it didn't look like she was going to give up anytime soon.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" Erin asked, peering around to see who it was that Kelly was ignoring.

He shook his head. "I should go anyway, I'll talk to her when I get home." He said, standing up.

"Oh… Okay." Erin said, sounding surprised as she stood up and followed him to the door. As he was about to leave she grabbed his arm. "Kelly, are you sure you're ok?" She asked him again.

He smiled and leant down and kissed her gently. "I'm fine, I'll see you later." He said, turning and hurrying back to his car before she had a chance to ask him anymore questions.

Fifteen minutes later he was sat in some dingy little bar he'd never been in before, drinking as much alcohol as he could, as quickly as he could. He'd told Erin he was going home, but he'd got no intention of going home anytime soon. He knew Shay would be there waiting for him when he did, and that she wouldn't let it drop like Erin had. She'd want to talk about it, and she wouldn't let it drop until he had. It was easier to just hide out in a bar. He was still hoping if he managed to drink enough then maybe he could erase the image of that boy from his mind.

Countless drinks later, the image was still there, burned in to his brain where he was fairly sure it would stay for the rest of his life. It was something they were supposed to be prepared for, given the nature of their job it was always a possibility that they wouldn't get everyone out. He just couldn't stop going over his actions, the way he'd checked the room. Had he done something differently? Had he made a mistake that had cost a childs life? He didn't think he'd ever be able to forgive himself for that. He should've double checked, he should've spotted the kid there. If he had done then those parents wouldn't be burying their child, and that was something he was going to have to live with.

It was the early hours of the morning when he finally left the bar, deciding he'd had more than enough to drink. It hadn't done anything to block out the painful images that were ingrained in his mind, but he couldn't hide out in the bar forever. He got a cab back to the apartment, bracing himself just incase Shay was still waiting for him, although he was hoping it was late enough that she'd be in bed.

He very nearly asked the cab driver to keep driving when they pulled up outside the apartment and he could see all the lights on. Shay was definitely in there waiting for him. He decided he couldn't be bothered with finding somewhere else to go though, the little buzz the alcohol had given him was already starting to wear off and he just wanted to go to bed. He quickly paid the cab driver, before running up the steps to the apartment to get out of the cold.

Shay's head snapped up as she heard the door open, causing her to paused midway through pacing across the apartment for what felt like the thousandth time that evening. She didn't even wait for Kelly to get through the door before she started yelling. She'd been sympathetic to him earlier, just as he'd been when she'd had a patient commit suicide right in front of her, but she'd been so worried about him all she could find was anger. "Where the hell have you been Kelly?!" She yelled, walking towards him. "I've been worried sick!"

Kelly rolled his eyes slightly, taking off his shoes and jacket. This was exactly what he'd been hoping to avoid. "Out." He muttered, walking towards the stairs.

Shay jumped in front of him, trying to block his path. She didn't want to let him go to bed until they'd at least talked about what had happened. She recoiled a little as she took in the stench of the alcohol that was currently surrounding Kelly. "I know… I can smell it!" She said disapprovingly. She was surprised he was still standing. "You smell like a brewery." She said, glaring at him with her arms folded.

Kelly shrugged. "Wasn't illegal to go out for a drink after work last time I checked." He said, stepping around her.

"Drowning it in alcohol won't work Kelly." She called, grabbing hold of his arm as he stepped around her.

Kelly wrenched his elbow free of her hold, turning around to glare at her. "Stay out of it Shay." He spat at her, disappearing up the stairs before she had a chance to say anything else.

Shay sighed as she heard his bedroom door lock behind him. She took her phone back out of her pocket. 'He's here, but I'm worried about him.' She wrote quickly, sending the message to both Erin and Casey. Erin had called her earlier after Kelly had left, noticing something wasn't right. Her and Casey had both been out looking for Kelly most of the night while Shay had been waiting to see if he came home, pacing around.

It was only seconds later that her phone rang. "Is he ok?" Erin asked quickly, not even bothering to say hello.

Shay sighed. "Physically, yes... Other than the fact he's consumed his body weight in alcohol... But I'm worried about him... He doesn't tend to deal with this things well Erin."

There was a few moments pause on the other end of the line, she could hear Erin and Matt talking. "We're coming over there now." Erin said, hanging up before Shay had a chance to say anything. In a way she was glad not to have to deal with Kelly on her own, but she couldn't help but feel that Kelly might not appreciate being ambushed by the three of them.


	2. Chapter 2

_Hey guys, thanks for all the lovely reviews for the first chapter. This second part is quite heavily Linseride based, so apologies if you don't like them together, that's just how it came out when I wrote it. Let me know what you think._

* * *

Ten minutes later there was a knock at the door, Shay quickly getting up off the sofa to let Erin and Matt in "Hi Guys." She said, shivering as the icy cold air rushed in to the apartment. Erin and Matt both gave her a small smile, stepping in to the apartment.

"How is he?" Erin asked, her eyes wandering over Shay's shoulder and in the direction of the stairs.

Shay sighed, shrugging. "I don't know… He came back here smelling like a brewery and went straight up to his bedroom."

Erin nodded, exchanging a look with Matt, then looking back at Shay. "I'll go and talk to him." Erin said, looking at Shay.

"I don't think-" Shay started. She was worried that it might just upset him more and make things worse.

"It'll be fine Shay, we can't just leave him up there to wallow in self pity forever… He needs to face what's happened and move past it." Erin said, stepping around Shay before she had the chance to protest any further.

Kelly could hear the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs from where he was laying on his bed. He rolled on to his side, facing away from the door and pretended to sleep. He really wasn't in the mood to discuss what had happened. He heard the footsteps pause outside his bedroom door, then the handle turn and the door creak open slowly.

"Kelly?" Erin said quietly, walking towards the bed. He was laying on his side, facing away from her, probably pretending to sleep so they'd leave him alone. "I know you're not asleep." She said, sitting down on the bed next to him. "You snore when you sleep." She added, a small smile playing on her lips.

Kelly sighed, rolling on to his back, staring up at the ceiling rather than looking at Erin. He felt Erin shift slightly beside him, leaning against the headboard as she looked down at him.

"Talk to me Kelly." She whispered, leaning forward a little to look at him.

"There's nothing to say." Kelly said flatly, staring straight past her at the ceiling. He had no idea how to put in to words what was going on in his head, let alone explain it without sounding totally insane. "I can't change what I did."

Erin sighed, running a hand gently through his hair. "It happens Kelly, it's the nature of our jobs. You spend the whole time hoping it won't happen to you, but sooner or later something's going to go wrong… We're human… We make mistakes."

Kelly exhaled loudly, finally looking at her. "My mistake cost a kid his life." He whispered hoarsely, quickly looking away from her.

Erin was quiet for a minute, trying to decide what to say to him, it was breaking her heart to watch him beat himself up over it. "Do you remember the case I told you about? The guys who were using college girls to smuggle drugs?" She asked him, pausing until he nodded slightly. "It still haunts me… I wonder if we could've got there quicker, if there was something that should've made me realise sooner…" She broke off, shaking her head.

Kelly looked back over to her, squeezing her arm gently. "You did everything you could." He said quietly.

Erin nodded slowly. "I know, that's my point…. There's always going to be something Kelly… You'll always be wondering if you should've been a little quicker, what if you'd done something differently… You can't change what happened.. You just have to accept you did everything you could. Nothing you do now can change that."

Kelly didn't say anything, removing his hand from her arm and rolling back on to his side.

"Kelly I-" Erin started, reaching out to place her hand gently on his arm.

"Go home." Kelly said coldly, moving his arm out of her reach as he stared at the wall.

There was a few moments pause before he heard Erin get up and walk over to the door, closing it gently behind her.

"Well?" Shay asked as Erin made her way back down the stairs.

"I thought I was getting somewhere.." Erin said shaking her head. "He just won't even talk about it." She said, leaning against the wall and rubbing her forehead gently.

"We'll just have to try again in the morning." Shay said eventually. "Go home and get some sleep, there's no point in us all staying up all night."

Matt stood up and nodded. "Call me if you need anything?" He said to Shay as he put his coat back on.

"Promise." Shay said, giving him a small smile. "You too Erin." She gestured towards the door.

Erin hesitated, looking back up at the stairs. "I should.." She started.

Shay cut her off. "Go home Erin. You have to work tomorrow. I'll call you if I need you."

"She's right Erin." Matt added, passing her coat to her. "As much as I hate to admit it." He said, laughing gently.

Erin glanced at the stairs once more. "Promise you'll call me?" She said to Shay, putting her coat back on.

"Promise." Shay smiled slightly, stepping forward and giving Erin a quick hug. "He'll be ok- trust me. He just needs some time." She whispered, wishing she could believe the words coming out of her mouth.

* * *

"Lindsay." Erin mumbled, grabbing her phone from the bedside table and answering it without even opening her eyes.

"Hey Erin, where are you?" She heard Burgess's voice on the other end.

"In bed." Erin groaned. "What do you want Kim? I'm trying to sleep!"

"Sleep? It's like 5pm!" Kim laughed on the other end of the phone.

Erin's eyes flew open, then promptly shut again as she was blinded by the sunlight streaming in. "Crap!"

"Anyway, I need you to get out of bed and down to the precinct ASAP… It's Kelly." Kim said quickly.

Erin felt her heart stop. "I'm on my way." She said, hanging up the phone and jumping out of bed.

She made it to the precinct in record time, rushing in and nearly colliding with Kim. "Where is he?" She demanded, looking around frantically.

"Interrogation room with Voight and Halstead." Kim said, not even finishing her sentence before Erin had disappeared.

Erin burst into the interrogation room without pausing to knock, causing Voight, Halstead and Kelly to all turn around to look at her. After a moments silence, Voight was the first to speak. "What the hell are you doing here?" He turned and looked at Halstead. "I told you not to call her!"

"He didn't- although you should've done." She stepped around them. "Oh my God- Kelly! What happened?" She knelt down next to him, looking at him more closely, catching a whiff of alcohol as she did so. He'd got a split lip, a swollen nose and a dark bruise forming around his eye.

"Erin, a word." Voight's voice cut through the silence as he gestured towards the room.

Erin looked at Kelly, who was avoiding looking at her, then at Voight before standing up and following him out of the room. Voight shut the door behind them, then turned to look at Erin. "What the hell is going on with him?" He asked her, leaning against the wall.

Erin frowned, crossing her arms. "He's had a tough couple of days." She said defensively. "They lost a kid in a fire."

Voight frowned. "That doesn't give him free reign to beat the crap out of total strangers!"

"Wait what?" Erin said, confused by what she'd just heard. "What are you talking about?"

"He got picked up by Burgess and Attwater… Beat the hell out of some guy in a bar not that far from here." Voight explained, looking at her questioningly.

"Are you sure? I mean maybe-" Erin started, trying to think of another explanation.

"I'm sure… There were quite a few witnesses.. He went in, had more than a few drinks judging by the state of him… then started a fight with some guy and was still hitting him when the cops got there." Voight continued. "Burgess brought him up to me and Halstead, she didn't know what to do… I don't think any of us really do."

Erin sighed, shaking her head. "I don't know what to do." She whispered, running a hand through her hair.

"I don't know Kid." Voight said, hugging her gently. "I can probably get him off the hook for this, the other guy should be fine. Just promise me it's not going to happen again?"

Erin nodded. "I'll talk to him."

Voight smiled, releasing her. He opened the door and walked in, signalling to Erin to wait outside. "Severide." He said, sitting down at the table opposite him.

Kelly looked up at him, wincing slightly as he did. His eye was really starting to hurt. Maybe getting in a bar fight hadn't been the best idea after all.

"I'm letting you go- this time." He paused as Kelly smiled. "But, just to be clear… if you do _anything _to hurt Erin I won't be this nice." Voight said, his voice dropping threateningly.

Kelly nodded, standing up and walking out of the door. He looked at Erin quickly as he walked past her. "Hey, wait up!" She called, jogging after him as he walked quickly down the corridor. "I'll drive you home!" She said as they reached the front door.

Kelly stopped abruptly, causing Erin to almost smack in to the back of him. "If I wanted you here Erin, I would've called you." He spat at her.

"Kelly, just let me-"

"No Erin! What part of me not wanting you here are you not understanding?!" He yelled, earning a few sideways glances from Erin's colleagues as they came in and out of the building. "I don't need you or your pity! I don't need you to try and save me! Just stay the hell away from me!" He yelled, before turning and quickly hurrying off down the street.

Erin was left slightly shell shocked, watching him walk away, wondering what on earth was going on in his head.


	3. Chapter 3

"Where have you been?" Shay demanded as soon as he walked in the door. "I've been worried.

Kelly shrugged. "Out." He muttered, grabbing a beer from the fridge and heading for the stairs.

Shay moved infront of him, blocking his path. "I think you've had more than enough." She said, reaching to take the beer from him.

"What the hell is your problem?!" Kelly yelled, moving his hand as she tried to take the beer from him again.

"I just don't think drowning it in alcohol is going to help." Shay said firmly, holding her hand out for the drink.

Kelly glared at her. "Y'know what, if you want it that much... Have it!" He yelled, throwing the bottle across the room. Shay flinched as she bottle smashed against the wall. "It's all yours."

"Kelly! Where are you going?" She asked, chasing after him as he spun around and went back out of the front door. "Kelly!"

He spun around to face her. "Somewhere a long way away from you!" He retorted, slamming the front door on his way out.

A few minuted after he had left, Casey and Gabby showed up. "How you doing?" Gabby asked, looking concerned.

"I'm fine." Shay said, giving her a small half smile. "Just worried."

Matt nodded. "Everyone is... the whole firehouse would have been here if we hadn't stopped them." He paused for a breath, his eyes resting on the broken glass Shay hadn't cleared up yet. "What happened here?" He asked, looking back at Shay.

"It's nothing, we just-" Shay started, looking down at the floor.

"Shay." Gabby interrupted. She knew exactly when her partner was lying to cover for Kelly. She'd seen it all before.

Shay sighed. "We had a bit of a disagreement... He threw the bottle at the wall and then stormed off."

"Did he say where he was going?" Matt asked, exchanging a look with Gabby.

Shay shook her head. "Let's face it though, it's probably a bar. Unless he went to Erin's?"

Gabby shook her head. "I doubt it. Antonio said they had a huge argument out side the precinct earlier."

Shay frowned. "About what?"

Gabby shrugged. "I don't know... I guess it had something to do with him being arrested..."

Shay's head snapped up. "Wait... What?!"

Matt looked at Gabby for a second. "He started a bar fight... Beat the crap out of the other guy... The cops had to break it up."

Shay shook her head, sinking down on the sofa. "This just gets better and better. I guess that explains the state of his face." She ran her hand through her hair. "What do we do?" She asked, looking up at them.

Matt and Gabby looked at eachother. "I'll go and look for him, I've got a few ideas where he might be. You two stay here and call me if he comes home." He said.

Shay nodded. "Thanks Matt."

He gave her a smile, giving Gabby a quick kiss goodbye. "We're all here to help Shay. I'll call a couple of the guys and get them to help me." He said, turning and walking out of the door.

They stayed on the sofa in exactly the same position for another hour, staring at a movie that neither of them were watching. "What are we going to do?" Shay asked suddenly, turning to look at Gabby.

Gabby sighed quietly, desperately trying to think of something to say which might offer a little comfort to her friend. "We'll be here, waiting, when he finally decides he's ready to let us help him- we all will."

"How can we just sit around and watch this though?" Shay asked her.

"Because it's Kelly." Gabby smiled sadly. "We both know there's no point in trying to force anything on him Shay, he'll only push you even further away than he already has." She said, putting an arm around her friend.

Shay nodded slowly after a few moments, resting her head against Gabby's shoulder. "I just don't know if I can watch him self destruct all over again." She whispered, blinking back a few tears.

"He'll come back from it Shay. He's got you, Erin, Matt and everyone else at the firehouse. Sooner or later he's going to realise there are better ways to deal with this."_ Or at least I hope he does_. She added in her head.

* * *

"Thanks for this Herman." Matt said looking across at the older man as they walked towards yet another bar.

Herman put a hand on Matt's shoulder. "It's fine Casey... We're a family. It's what we do." He said with a little bit of a smile. "Now, let's find Severide." He said, pushing the door open, hoping Kelly was there because he was fast running out of ideas.

* * *

Erin was at work, staking out a known drug dealer with Halstead. They usually chatted for hours, but that night, the car was unusually silent. Erin's mind was miles away, worrying about Kelly, something her partner had picked up on and decided it was probably best to leave her to it.

Eventually Erin broke the silence. "God, I wish this guy would just hurry up and incriminate himself. I've got bigger things to worry about than some dealer... He'll end up making a deal with the prosecutor anyway and get away with it... Infact, why are we even bothering?" She muttered angrily.

Jay turned and looked at his partner. "You're still worrying about Severide." He said, a statement not a question.

"Of course I'm worrying about him he's-" Erin started, but was cut off by Jay.

"Apparently on his way to buy something from our friend over there." Jay said.

"Wait- what?! Are you sure? It can't-" Erin stopped mid sentence as she watched the familiar figure get closer to the dealer. "I can't believe this." She muttered under her breath.

" Halstead, Lindsay? Are you ready?" They heard Voight's voice through the radio.

Erin continued staring straight ahead, watching as Kelly passed money to the dealer. She couldn't believe what she was seeing, if she hadn't seen it with her own eyes she'd never have believed anyone, but there he was, right in front of her, buying drugs.

"We've got a problem." Halstead murmured in to the radio, looking at his partners horrified expression as she continued to watch Kelly.

"What is it Halstead?" Voight asked quickly.

"It's Severide." Halstead quickly replied.

"I don't follow." Voight replied.

"The guy buying. It's Kelly Severide." Halstead clarified, looking again at Erin who was still staring at the scene infront of them.

There was silence on the other end for a minute. "Antonio and I have got this." Voight said, driving forward and past Erin and Halstead as they watched helplessly, wondering what was about to happen.


	4. Chapter 4

_Hi guys, thanks for all the lovely reviews on the previous chapter. Sorry this has taken me a while, I've been kind of struggling with motivation. Now I'm finally done I hope you enjoy it! Let me know what you think :)_

* * *

"Police! Put your hands up!" Antonio yelled as he and Voight got out of the car and approached the two men infront of them.

"Hands up!" Voight yelled. "Now!" They both continued to approach, watching as Kelly slowly raised his hands and turned to face them.

Voight was still moving towards Kelly when he became aware of the sound of footsteps approaching quickly behind him. "What the hell are you playing at Kelly?!" Erin yelled, Voight managing to grab her just before she reached Kelly. "Drinking... That I could cope with but _drugs_. Are you kidding me?!" She continued, fighting against the tight hold Voight had on her.

"Erin, you need to calm down!" Voight said quietly, still holding her back."it's-"

"I swear to god if you tell me it's going to be ok I will not be responsible for my actions!" Erin shrieked, still trying to free herself. All the worry and concern she'd been feeling for Kelly had suddenly turned in to anger. "Come on then Kelly! Let's hear your excuse... I'm sure you've got one!"

Kelly stood there for a moment, glaring at her, before he finally snapped. "You know what, don't even start on me Erin! I know all about you, what you used to get up to, remember? Don't be so hypocritical!" He yelled, Antonio's hold on him tightening considerably as he did so.

"Don't you dare bring my past in to this! The mistakes I made have absolutely nothing to do with the fact you seem determined to ruin your life! I'm done watching you do this. If you want to go and get off your face somewhere to deal with what happened then fine, be my guest. Just don't expect me to be there to pick up the pieces!" She yelled, finally freeing herself from Voight and running back to the car.

There was a long silence before Voight spoke, still glaring at Kelly. "Halstead, go with Antonio. I'll take Erin home." He said shortly, turning and quickly walking away, fists clenched.

Antonio let out a quiet sigh of relief. For a moment he'd been convinced Voight would kill Severide there and then. "Let's go." He said, quickly pushing him towards the back of the car, Halstead close behind having passed the dealer off to a patrol car.

The journey back to the district was silent, the tension in the atmosphere evident. As Antonio parked the car, Halstead jumped out, going around to the back and roughly dragging Kelly out. "Move it." He said coldly, pushing him along to make him walk quicker.

Voight arrived shortly afterwards, having dropped Erin off at home, and went straight in to the interrogation room Halstead had left Kelly in. "Are we sure that's a good idea?" Antonio asked, nodding in the direction of the door Voight had just gone through. "We both know what Voight can be like when it comes to Erin..."

Halstead shrugged. "If Voight doesn't hit him I sure as hell will." He muttered, going to sit at his desk.

"What part of what I said to you last time did you struggle to understand?" Voight spat at Kelly, sitting down opposite him at the table. He looked at Kelly expectantly, reminding himself to take a deep breath every now and then, trying to resist the urge to lean over and hit him.

"I told you, that if you did anything to hurt Erin I wouldn't be so nice... You had no right to say what you did today! She's done nothing but try and help you, and then you go and do something like that! I don't even know what to say to you!" Voight yelled. "You can wipe that smug little grin off your face before I do it for you." He added, standing up.

"I expect you think that I'm going to find some way to make this all disappear, make us you don't get in trouble because Erin wouldn't want that... Well, I hate to break it to you, but I honestly don't care what happens to you! I'm not even sure if Erin does either!" Voight shouted, getting angrier and angrier the more he thought about what happened.

"Voight." Antonio's voice interrupted as he stepped in to the room, Voight turning to face him. "I'll take it from here." He said, making it clear he wasn't giving Voight the option to say no.

Voight turned to glare at Kelly once more, before leaving the room, slamming the door loudly behind him. "Thanks man-" Kelly started, but Antonio cut him off.

"Shut up Severide. I'm only here because otherwise Voight's going to end up back in jail." He paused, looking at Kelly seriously. "I'm gonna cut to the case. Gabby told me what happened, and I'm sorry. It doesn't mean you can go around and destroy your life and all the people who care about you!"

Kelly opened his mouth to speak, but Antonio shook his head and cut him off. " shut up and listen Severide! If you stop being a selfish ass for a second then maybe you'd see the impact what you're doing is having on everyone else! Think about Erin, Shay, Matt... Everyone at the firehouse! You can't do this to them." he took a deep breath as he finally finished speaking.

Kelly didn't even acknowledge that he'd heard him, just looking down at the table.

Antonio gave an exasperated sigh, he was quickly running out of patience with Severide. "I called Gabby. Her and Casey are coming to get you, you'll be staying with them." Antonio said quickly, turning to leave before he lost control of his anger.

Half an hour later Casey walked in. "Let's go. Shay's dropped your stuff off already." He said, gesturing towards the door.

"How did she-" Kelly started, Matt interrupting him.

"Erin called her." Matt said shortly, continuing to walk towards the exit.

Kelly frowned. "Okay... Well, where's Shay anyway? Why'd she drop my stuff at yours? It's my apartment too."

"She doesn't want you there Kelly." Matt explained, getting in to the car.

"What?!" Kelly demanded, outraged Shay could do something like that- it was his apartment too.

"She says she's sorry, but she can't just sit back and watch you self destruct." Matt explained, starting the car.

"What do you mean? Why would she-" Kelly asked angrily, still trying to process what had just been said.

Casey interrupted him again. "Can you honestly blame her? Take a look in the mirror Kelly. I've just picked you up from the _Police Station_ because you got caught buying _drugs_. Have you even stopped for a second to think wha might have happened if it wasn't Voight that caught you?" Matt asked, looking at his friend.

Kelly didn't say anything, he hadn't got a clue what to say. He sat and stared out of the window as Casey continued to drive home, wondering what he was supposed to do to fix this mess.


	5. Chapter 5

Kelly laid in bed at Casey's that night, staring at the ceiling. He'd gone straight to bed as soon as they'd got in, desperate to avoid the questions he knew were coming- he didn't have the answers Matt was looking for. He honestly didn't know how he'd ended up in that alley. He'd promised Shay that it would never happen again, not after last time, but somehow he'd found his way right back there again.

In a way he was glad that Voight and Erin had been there, that they'd stopped him. But then he started to play what he'd said to Erin over and over again in his mind. He couldn't even believe the words that had come out of his mouth. He'd been drinking, but that was no excuse for what he'd done. She didn't deserve any of it, neither did Shay. He knew that, he just couldn't get the image of the little boy out of his head- just couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't good enough for anyone.

He laid in bed for another two hours, his thoughts racing around in his head. Deep down, he knew what Erin had said was the truth- in their line of work things were going to happen, and he'd never truly know if he could've done anything else. She'd tried to convince him that he'd move on eventually, but he wasn't so sure. How was he supposed to move on with that image burned in to his brain, there with him everywhere he went.

Even the thought of having to go back to work the next day made him feel sick to his stomach- then again, maybe that was just the alcohol finally catching up with him. He wasn't even sure if Boden was expecting him to be there, but if he didn't go back that day then he probably never would. He had to try, if not for himself, for everyone else's sake. He knew Shay well enough to know she'd be worrying herself sick, even though she was angry with him.

He watched the minutes tick by on the clock, his eyes wandering over to his phone which sat on the bed side table. He looked back to the clock again, wondering if 4am was really an acceptable time to text Shay- probably not, but he needed to do it. He picked up the phone, squinting at the bright light. '_Im sorry_.' Two words that sounded so insignificant compared to what he'd done, but that was all he had. I'm sorry- he'd just have to hope she was willing to forgive him this time.

The minutes passed by all too quickly for his liking, with still no response from Shay, he eventually had to get out of bed and start getting ready for work. He was feeling the combined effects of the heavy drinking and sleepless nights, and was definately starting to question why he was going in to work. He stared at his tired expression in the mirror, deciding he couldn't be bothered to shave, before quickly throwing on some of the clothes Shay had brought him.

They left shortly after, Matt driving them both to the firehouse. It was silent in the car, neither of them having exchanged a word all morning. He knew Casey was almost certainly mad at him for what he'd done, and he couldn't blame anyone other than himself for that, but what was he supposed to say to try and make it right?

The closer they got to the fire house, the more Kelly's nausea increased. He'd always loved his job and looked forward to going in to work, the feeling of dread as Casey parked outside was an entirely new experience for him. He paused with his hand on the door handle as he was about to get out of the car, taking a deep breath, trying to convince himself he could do it. He didn't care if he just sat in his office all day and caught up with the paper work that he'd been avoiding for months, in fact he was more than ok with that, he just needed to do something to occupy his mind otherwise he was almost certainly going to end up back in a bar.

"Kelly? Are you coming?" Casey asked, making him jump as his thoughts snapped him out of his thoughts.

"Um.. Yeah, sorry... I just..." Kelly muttered, shaking his head slightly as he got out of the car. "sorry." He apologised again, following Matt towards the doors.

When they got inside, Kelly quickly disappeared in to the safety of his office, closing the door firmly behind him. He didn't want to go in to the kitchen and see that pitying look in everyone's eyes. He didn't want to have to answer an endless stream of questions about how he was, or to hear the 'it happens to us all' and 'you did everything you could.' No, he was definately wishing he'd just stayed in bed.

He hadn't even been in his office for five minutes when there was a knock at the door. Trying to rearrange his face in to something that resembled a smile he turned around to see who it was. "Chief." He greeted him, both surprised and relieved to see him standing in the doorway rather than Shay.

"Severide." He nodded slightly. "How are you?" He asked, looking at Kelly curiously.

Kelly shrugged, trying to avoid answering the question he'd been trying to avoid.

"I wasn't expecting you back so soon... I've got a relief lieutenant in and-" He continued, not missing the relief that flickered across Kelly's face.

"It's fine chief, I'm just coming in to do some paperwork, I don't want to go out on any calls." Kelly said quickly, hugely relieved he hadn't had to come up with an excuse to avoid going out. "I don't mind at all." He added.

The chief looked at him for a second, trying to work out what was going on with him. He'd never known Kelly opt to spend a day doing his paperwork. "Ok, if you're sure... Next shift though?" He said.

Kelly nodded. "Sure." He said quickly, turning back to face his desk. The relief he had felt had abruptly vanished at the thought of having to return to going out with the rescue squad. He was seriously going to have to pull himself together before then, he was no good to anyone in his current state.

Half an hour later the alarms sounded over head, Kelly's heart racing and adrenaline rising as he heard squad 3 being called. It was irrational, he wasn't even going on the call, but he could feel the anxiety rising again. "Pull it together Kelly." He muttered to himself, picking his pen up again and trying to focus on the paper infront of him again. He was starting to remember why he always avoided doing this.

An hour later his phone rang as he received a text, making him physically jump as it broke the silence. His heart started to race slightly with anticipation as he picked up the phone, hoping it was going to be from Shay. He felt sick as he saw Erin's name on the screen, he still had no idea what to say to her after what he'd said to her the night before. He didn't even think he deserved her forgiveness after using something that she'd told him because she trusted him like that.

'_I need to talk to you- I'm at the precinct on my own. Stop by if you can.'_ As he read the text his heart sunk slightly, wondering what it was she was going to say. A part of him wanted to avoid the conversation, come up with some reason why he couldn't go and talk to her. It was pointless though, it was a conversation that they were going to have to have at some point- there was no point in trying to avoid what he'd done. He was going to have to face it at some point.

'_I'll be there in 10.' _He replied, grabbing his coat and heading out.

It didn't take him long to walk down to the precinct, even though he'd very nearly stopped and gone back to the firehouse several times. He desperately wished he'd got some kind of explanation for Erin, some way to help her understand what was going on his head, but he hadn't. All he had were the same two empty and meaningless words he'd texted to Shay. _I'm sorry_. What good was saying sorry going to do? It wasn't going to undo the things he'd done, and it sure as hell wasn't going to bring the boy back to life.


	6. Chapter 6

Kelly jogged nervously up the steps to intelligence, his heart racing slightly as he climbed them. There was something in the way Erin had sounded on the phone that had him feeling apprehensive. Still, if she was going to tell him it was over he could hardly say he didn't deserve it. He'd been awful the last few days, he knew that. Although they'd never believe him, he was trying- really trying- but he just couldn't get the image of the boy out of his head and he just didn't think he could live with that image.

"You came." Erin said, sounding surprised as he reached the top of the stairs.

"Of course I did." Kelly said, giving her a small smile as he walked over to her desk.

Erin looked up at him for a moment, her face impossible to read. "Sit down." She said, gesturing to the seat next to her.

Kelly nodded, sitting down quickly. He looked over at her again. "I'm so sorry Erin." He whispered after a few moments silence.

Erin exhaled loudly. "I just don't understand Kelly. I want to, I really do. How can you possibly think that what you're doing is going to make things better in anyway?"

"I don't, but-" Kelly started, looking down at his hands.

"But what? This isn't fair on Shay, or any of the guys at the firehouse. They're worried sick about you Kelly- we all are!" She looked up at him, waiting for him to meet her eyes.

"I'm sorry." He repeated quietly.

"I know you are- but to be honest Kelly, at this point, sorry doesn't mean all that much. You can't spend the rest of your life hiding in your office and pretending to do paperwork to avoid doing your job. Eventually you're going to have to move on and get on with your life. You can't do this to Shay." She stopped speaking and looked up at Kelly, the emotion finally showing through her carefully controlled expression as she did so.

Kelly was silent for a few seconds, something Erin would've made a joke about in anyother circumstances. The man infront of her was a far cry from the man she was used to who had a comeback for everything. She leant forward in her chair, gently placing her hands on either side of his face and guiding his head upwards so he was looking at her. "You need to try Kelly, please." She said. "For me." She added at a whisper. Kelly didn't say anything, just putting his arms around her and holding her tightly for a long time. She was right, he knew that. What he was doing wasn't fair on anyone. He wanted to try, he just didn't know where to begin.

After a while Erin pulled away from him, stood up and put her jacket on. She reached out, took Kelly's hand and pulled him to his feet. "Come on." She said, pulling him towards the door.

Kelly frowned in confusion. "Where are we going?" He asked, following her.

"You are going to talk to Shay." Erin said, not giving him any chance to back out.

"What if she doesn't want to talk to me?" Kelly asked, his mind thinking back to the text he'd sent her and had no reply to.

Erin stopped for a moment to look at him. "Of course she will- you might find this hard to believe but she cares about you, we all do." She said, continuing

"If she cares about me then why doesn't she want me in the apartment?" Kelly asked quietly, reluctantly getting in to the passenger seat of her car.

Erin sighed. "That's the point Kelly- she cares too much to sit back and watch you do this to yourself. You've gotta be able to see where she's coming from." She explained as she drove back to the firehouse.

Kelly frowned. "I thought were going to see Shay?" He asked.

Erin continued staring straight ahead. "We are." She said. "But first of all, you're going to explain to me what the hell is going on in your head. I've tried to understand, I really have, but you're going to have to help me out a bit."

She looked over at him after he was silent for a few seconds, trying to figure out how to explain something he couldn't understand himself. Eventually he gave a small nod, continuing to stare out of the window as he did so. He owed it to her and Shay, some kind of explanation- he knew that- he just didn't know how to find the words.

"I don't know..." Kelly sighed eventually. "A kid died because of me Erin. How am I supposed to live with that?"

Erin was quiet for a minute- that was a question she wished she had the answer to. "I wish I knew Kelly.. It's always going to be there with you... But you can't let it stop you doing your job.. And it sure as hell isn't a reason to go and get drunk and buy drugs." She tried to control the anger in her voice, but it was still evident. She still couldn't quite believe that he'd be stupid enough to do something like that. "You need to go in there, talk to Shay and then get your ass back down to the firehouse and finish your shift." She said with a little smile.

Kelly looked at her a nodded, knowing she wasn't going to give him any other options. She leant over and hugged him, kissing him gently before pushing him towards the door. "Go on then!" She laughed as he rolled his eyes and reluctantly got out of the car.

Kelly walked quickly back to his office. The others were out on. Call and he'd got no idea when they'd be back but at least that gave him a chance to work out what he was going to say to Shay. As he rounded the corner he spotted two people standing outside the door. As he approached they turned to face him. "Lieutenant Severide?" They asked as he stopped abruptly, suddenly realising why he recognised their faces. They were the parents of the boy who'd died in the fire. Kelly stood there, silently, staring at them. "We just wanted to talk-" they started, walking towards him.

Kelly shook his head. "I can't. Sorry." He choked out, turning and running in the opposite direction. He kept going until he was miles away from the firehouse, checking over his shoulder to make sure they hadn't followed him. Why had they shown up there? It wasn't air of them to ambush him like that. He felt enough guilt over what had happened without having to face the boys parents. He shook his head. There was no way he was going to talk to them.


End file.
